None.

Well, as per usual here I sit, wondering why and how I forgot my blog even existed again. However, I have to remind myself that its main purpose for me is so it can help me continue to...vent.

It's now the year 2010. This up and coming May 21st, I officially get to leave high school behind. This past week, I spent four days taking finals (or 'mid-terms' as they might also be called) and now I am officially in third quarter. Only a short while to go, and then I can finally be free of the religiosity of the school I am in!

Woo hoo!


On top of this, I will be able to dye my hair back to what it was...because the school's rule of 'hair must be natural' can't affect me if I'm graduated.

oh HELL yes.

You know, a lot has happened over the past four years that I have had this Blogspot..er, blog. I have celebrated four birthdays, (this past one being my 18th) gotten my first tattoo, driven a car, planned my second trip to Europe, gotten that bitch named Alex out of my life, (for GOOD.) and gotten to know myself better. Sure, that last one might sound ridiculous or cliche, but it's the truth. And on top of this, I feel like I have grown as a person, and the few handfuls of issues I've dealt with have [generally] turned out for the better.

For example, let me take you back to 2009. In the month of September, I had to do a class presentation. The 'special' part about this presentation, though, was that it had to be in front of the entire Senior class. Now I was sort of nervous, with the topic being as sensitive and personal as it was, but I forced myself to volunteer for going right away. I figured, shit! If I have to suffer like this, might as well make it short and bittersweet.
What I didn't realize at the time was the fact that my selected presentation would only open up the gate to a personal hell. Sure, I broke down and cried a bit near the end of my little speech, but so did a number of other students! This reality didn't phase me a bit, though, and the physical manifestations of the internal stress that I had AFTER the presentation was enough to pull my trigger.
The following day, about an hour after I woke up, I had a heart attack.

Okay, fine...it only felt like a heart attack. But what I didn't know was that this was only the first panic attack of many that would grip me with anonymous fear as the day continued. Before I went home from school, I had experienced two more of these serious panic attacks and I was downright clueless and confused as to what was happening to me. Each attack felt so real and foreign that every time I thought I was going to die.

Needless to say I called my doctor right away once I was home (why I didn't call him at school I'm not sure...) and after describing my symptoms and what all had happened, I was referred to a psychologist and diagnosed with borderline panic disorder. If the word 'borderline' hadn't been in there, I probably would have had another panic attack right then and there!

Long story short, it hasn't been the easiest thing for me, but between my psychologist and my own will to move on from this and just graduate already, I have greatly improved. It's been a month now since my panic attacks have felt like heart attacks, but recently I have also started having breathing attacks. The latter resemble an athsma attack, except with these you don't need medication to open up your lungs.

I could write another thousand words or two on what else has happened, but after glancing at the clock I've just realized that if I don't go to bed soon, I won't funcion decently at school tomorrow. Within the next four days, however, I *WILL* be adding more to my 09-10 tales...

Until then.


- - - - -
"Madness is only contageous if you hang around that fucker for too long..."