Why I hate Equation, a continuation.

List of problems with Equation:

-Emily, Josh(s), Alesha, Mrs. Fetingis, etc...all forgot my birthday

-In lieu of forgotten birthday, they made me a cake. While I was there.

-The cake tasted like baked sugar with flour. And some more sugar on top of that.

-In thinking "Hey, today is my birthday." I asked Josh if I could play Guitar Hero with them. He said no.

-I sat. Alone. And cold. Next to my do nothing of a "boyfriend". Watching everyone else play Guitar Hero. On my birthday.

-The only upside of the night was when I got my gift from the gift exchange: a board game Risk. Except for when Emily called me today and asked if I could bring it back, because it was 'supposed to be for Equation as a whole'.

-Spawn of Satan (Marc) goes there. I don't want to go near his never-moving rear. The only traveling he does is around his friggn Arizona tea can.

Quote time..."It really hurt me that you forgot my birthday, Emily. Not only that, but when I asked you and Josh if I could simply play a song of Guitar Hero with you, you said no. That left me sitting next to ...marc...wishing that I had never gone to Equation in the first place. You know, my friends from my old school whom I haven't talked to or really seen in over 4 months had the dignity to give me a call and say Happy Birthday, yet you whom I see very often and talk to quite often completely forget. I thought long and hard about why you could have forgotten something like that, and the only thing I could come up with is that I'm simply not important enough to you to be remembered. Sure, we all make mistakes, have busy days, and can forget things, but at the end of the day, you remember what's really important to you. Guess I just wasn't that. Don't give me a sorry, it's too late for that. It's also unnecessary, because if you really had been sorry, your actions would have spoken louder than your words. Yes, you gave me a gift, and to be honest I did really appreciate and enjoy it, but the fact that you weren't actually putting forth any effort to have a real birthday celebration just tore me apart. I've gone through more hard times in the past year of my life then I think you can realize, and you guys at Equation were one of the only walls that I had leaned on. However, any and all walls there that I leaned agaist have now been shattered, thanks to circumstances beyond my control. Perhaps it was a quixotic combination between the fact that I don't believe in the same ideas that you do and the fact that I truely can't relate to any of you there that made the bond I once shared come to a crashing halt. Whatever the factor, I feel ready to take the next step and move on, whichever direction that may take me. Maybe this will all just blow over and I can regain some sort of sense of belonging at Equation, because I'm willing to give it one more shot. If it falls through again, though, I am ready and prepared to continue on my own journey without the help from Equation.
I know that we're all human and forget things, but you never forget those who hold deep meaning to your life. For whatever reason, any meaning I had with/to you has been lost, and I'm utterly clueless as how to go about regaining that.
So thank you for all the pleasant memories and the painted cookies, and I hope that the best possible things come to pass between and among us all.
Here's to hoping for a fabulous New Year,
Lukewarm regards,
xxxxxxx"

I always hated math class, and now I hate Equation too.

It is nearly impossible to go through life without even one person that you can talk to. Yet when everyone in your life has turned their back on you, it is harder still to find it inside you to trust anyone with your personal life. So you spend your days in suffering, the pain never ceasing, only coming in variable waves.

Then one day you hand someone your heart. For the first time in your life, you feel secure. You actually think you might be able to love and trust someone with your entire being.

The years roll by, you and them have a few falling outs, yet all remains the same. You are both growing older by the minute, but are still just as close as you were in the prime of your youth.

However, what turns out to be the most important day of your life also becomes the one day that they reveal to you that you are of no value to them. They find it fitting to take everything from you and incinerate it all inside the fiery oven of their purely diabolical core.

And like a rose in full bloom, beautiful, fragile, innocent, tender as you were, you turn to a pile of grey char, blown into the distance by the piercing winds of their contemptable auras.

My soul is growing...cold...

And by that, I'm not just referring to the subzero temperatures that lurk outside my brother's apartment building.

Yeah, for a week I came out to his place and have been living for awhile. It's been fun, but I'm totally ready to go home. Although I've had some good talks and hang outs with my brother, his boyfriend, and his roommate, I'd like to go back home. All this socializing has been a bit much for me. I'm more of an introvert.

As for 'my soul growing cold', that's referring to the shitty way my friends have been treating me lately. For example, they forgot about my birthday. On top of that, on the day of said birthday which they forgot, whenever I asked them to do something with me, I was either blatently ignored or mocked.

So my birthday, in a way, fucking stunk.

Plus, my boyfriend hasn't taken me on more than two dates. Did I mention we've been dating for six weeks now?

Mhm. I got a twenty dollar bill and a generic 'Happy Birthday' card too.

Ooh, godda love those 99 cent deals!

Eh, Marc...sometimes I want to spork out his eyes and drain his head of it's cranial fluids o.0

In conclusion, my friends aren't really my friends, and therefore I think my soul is starting to turn cold.
Why?
Because when they smile or wave at me or just try to communicate with me in general, I either turn my head away or give them a look of pure hatred and/or disgust.

And it doesn't effect me.

Hmm...I need a new group.

The big 1-7 on Sunday. And week 5 of me and Spawn of Satan.

Well, it's official. This Sunday, I get old. er

Seventeen, bitch! Woo hoo!

.....

Anyways, December 14th is my birthday. Cheers and beers to all who share that same blessed day.

For the record, I'm still dating S.O.S. (Marc, for you newbies.)
It'll be five weeks this Sunday, my birthday, actually.

Oh, the pain involved in it o.0

Sure, he's a nice guy and all, but he's been seriously pissing me off these past three weeks. Hell, to be fully honest, I've wanted to break up with him for the past four weeks.
On top of this, I've got a crush on someone ELSE!

Yes, it's horrible.
But if you met this guy, you'd completely understand.

For starters, he went to a party. Was supposed to bring me. Told me the evening before that I couldn't go with him [literally]. Confessed to being kissed and groped by another girl. And to top off that bullshit, he said, "Nothing bad, right?"

If murder wouldn't result in going to prison, he would be dead in a gutter somewhere. Right now.

What kind of motherfucking asshole goes and does something like that behind your back then tells you it wasn't a big deal to your face?

God, I really hate men. Sometimes.

But, not all men are evil. Some are dead.

And one day even the Spawn of Satan will meet his demise.

Mwahahahahaha.

Guess I'm the hypocrite now.

Well...I honestly never thought this day would come. No, not the day I was a hypocrite, everyone is one to a varying degree. It's just what I'm being hypocritical about that's so...interesting, I guess.

Remember Marc? Yeah, of course you do. That one 'Spawn of Satan' that I started talking about last fall? That guy who hurt Alex?

Ahaha...I went on a date with him yesterday.

0.0

^ That's what I thought it would be like...but...once you get past his tough 'outer layer', he's actually quite a gentleman. He was very sweet, bought me a drink, took me to two museums, paid for everything. Plus afterwards I let him come over (get your mind out of that gutter!) and we played pool, Life (mmhm...shut up) and read the comics. Then we ate chips, talked, and he gave me a kiss.

Oh my God! It was...really swell! Not what I had been expecting at all. Seriously.
Waaay better than any other kiss I had gotten. It was surprising, since he literally just cupped my face in his hand when we were sitting and pulled me close.

And I asked him about the whole Alex breakup thing and got the full story as to why he acted the way he did: she is two years younger than him and he felt like a pedophile, but was too afraid to say that. (Remember at the time they were 'dating', she was 14, him 16...a HUGE difference in age for teenagers!)

So now I understand moreso why he was like that. At the same time, I'm glad I wrote him that letter. And sent it to him. And made him cry.

Yeah, now I'm the fucking hypocrite.

.....

Well, I'll just have to wait and see what happens next. After all, it was only a first date. We're not technically "going out", because I made it clear that I want to go slow.

Yeah, that's what's new in my life.

I will let you know what else happens in the world of S.O.S. and I!

Black spiders and nutmeg with milk: this is what my dreams are made of

This past week, I have been getting adequate sleep. Perhaps a bit too adequate, actually. Every night I have had a dream, and this past one was just too bizarre not to post.

It started out with me being in my bedroom. I looked at my ceiling and it was covered in big, black spiders. Then the spiders began to coat my walls and floor, and soon were all over everything but me.

Here's where the real craziness sparks: my mother's acupuncturist, Rick, walks into my bedroom, wearing his nice corporate white shirt and tie. He simply stands for a moment or two, admiring my room, before he says, "Nice job you've done in here."

He then takes a small glass bottle with a white cap out of his pocket and holds it out to me. In a very serious tone, he says, "Take this nutmeg and mix it with milk. After that, drink it all. You will then discover your inner soul."

Cue alarm clock and end of dream.

I spent my entire day pondering over what that dream could possibly mean, since most of the time they do in fact have a deeper meaning. Well, I know the bit about finding your 'inner soul' has to do with the fact that I have been doing a bit of research on Buddhism and Hinduism.

Maybe that's why that bit was in there.

As for the rest, it's all Chinese to me.

Well, I have been eating sharp cheddar cheese before bed each night. Maybe that has some correlation to my wacky dreams.

Who knows?

Just in case, tonight I think I'll hold off on the dairy.

What does not kill you will only make you stronger

Well, all I have to say is I knew I was right. I just wasn't listening to myself.

I knew back in the summer that Alex and I weren't actually friends.

Now, to make it all official, we are not in contact anymore. I cut all ties with her a few weeks back, and am very happy to state that I no longer have to deal with her weak-minded stature anymore.

PARTY TIME!!

God, I am so fucking glad that she's out of my life. To be honest, though, it did take me a while (about a week, actually) to fully let her go, since we had been quite close friends.

Finally, I can move on to good people.

In other news, Christina (that little girl I babysat on & off during the summer) sent me a text last night simply saying, "You're in trouble!"
So I sent her back a normal reply, "What are you talking about?"
All she said was, "I'm not telling you...but you'll find out later this week!"

I have no clue what that's about.

Alright, maybe I do, but it doesn't make much sense to me.

Last weekend, I was supposed to supervise her and her friend at Fright Fest (that Six Flags Halloween event) but on the day of, my eye decided to become infected and swell shut. I called her and told her I couldn't come and all she said was, "I don't care." Quite rudely, she hung up then. And sent me a text a minute later saying, 'You don't want to go to Six Flags whatever. You're missing out on the fun.'

Um...hello bitch? My eye is swollen shut? Did you not get that or something? I only said it three times.

I sent her a text back again repeating the fact about my eye, and all she said was whatever.

If the whole, 'You're in trouble!' text she sent me has to do with the fact I had to miss the Fright Fest event, and her mother is mad at me and thinks I simply skipped going, I will shoot myself in the foot.

Seriously.

Yaoi, anyone?

Well, I'm not sure if this will give away my gender or not, but...I'm trying my hand at writing a YuGiOh-yaoi fanfiction.

Here's the link to my page, in case you want to read what I've got so far :]

It would make me very happy if you gave it a review as well. But when you do, please tell me that you got the link to my author page from my blog, okay?

Thank you in advance :)

Guess I'm going to have to change my name, huh?

Well, seeing that my Sophomore year is over, I think I'm going to need a new name...Jaded Junior? Most likely.

And I really need to post about what all happened this summer.
But not tonight. I'm really tired, and had to basically drag myself to the computer to make a blog, since I haven't posted in over a month.


Not like anyone actually reads my posts, anyways. It's more like a place for me to rant about issues and such.

Addictions take up a lot of time

Yeah, that title is rather obvious, but it's a statement that you don't really understand until you have an addiction.

For me, I realized what those words meant as soon as I realized that I had been playing video games for 7 hours straight.

Oh God...that's not good.

Especially since I have to get up for work tomorrow.


I am so glad that I've got a shitload of coffee in my pantry, that way I can guzzle it down all morning and not fall asleep on the job.


Mmm...caffeine. One more thing that I can become addicted to.

A continuation of my previous blog

Christians say that God gives us hardships, pain, and sufferings to be "testings of our faith in Him." Also, they claim that God loves everyone so much that he sent His son to die for our sins and then be resurrected into heaven three days later.

We all know that story.

Yet, I look at this world, where suffering is inescapeable and pain is reoccurring, and thoughts deep inside me begin to wonder if a loving God, or even a God at all, does in fact exist.

When you think about it, and I mean really think about it, the idea that a loving God exists becomes harder and harder to believe. Once you realize that every day children are starving to death, people are losing their jobs, innocent people are being kidnapped, raped, or murdered, and that natural disasters are robbing people of their loved ones or even their own lives, the statement that God is a loving and just God seems pretty fallable.

If a God does in fact exist, then he isn't a very nice one.

Try and convince me otherwise.

[As I told you in a previous post, I consider myself to be a non-religious person with some dabbling interests in Neo-Paganism and Wiccan]

Work, work, and a little more work...followed by a not-so-healthy side of bitterness.

Yesterday I worked for around 10 hours.
Today I worked around twelve.

o.0


As you can imagine, I am fairly exhausted from being on my feet all day long.
Back to what I was planning on saying..even though I ended up working longer then expected, I learned how to drive a 4 wheeler and even took it out for a few speedy spins. I even got to wear one of those sexy biker helmets and sunglasses!

On the bad side, for no apparent reason Alex's friend Dede does not like me. She has been telling Alex all of these lies and stories about me and creating dissention...but I've done some thinking, and have been paying attention to how Dede acts around me, and she doesn't really seem to be the kind of person to do such a thing.
Then again, maybe she simply does have something against me. Although I cannot think of a single thing that I did wrong to her.
The other option is that Dede isn't saying anything negative or false about me and that Alex (yes..her..) is creating these stories up so that I won't hang around Dede at all. Not that I ever do now, though. I can't think of any reason or point to making up those stories and falsehoods, so I'm going to still trust that Dede is in fact creating these fables about me.

On top of this, my feelings of no longer being good friends or perhaps even friends with Alex are getting stronger day by day. I no longer want to spend time with her or even call her. Besides, she never tries to call me anyways. Occasionally she'll text me, but that is nowhere near the same as talking to me over the phone or hanging out with me in person.
Still, I wonder, is our friendship meant to last? I'm beginning to highly doubt that.
At least I can use my job as an excuse to not be able to hang out with her.

I bet that I'm just going to have to suck up to the fact that she and I have both changed dramatically in the past six months and that our old stance of "best friends for life" and our sister-like closeness has been dissolving within these past few weeks.

Whatever the final outcome is, I hope that I will never forget the good times that we had together and the little games that we invented over the years.


[As a side note, I'm turning 17 this year and have known Alex since I was 11.]

Summer has begun, and I have a job!

Well, even though school has already ended for me (May 29th), I have not gotten around to writing about anything new on here since April.

That would be because....I have my first job!

I am going to be a summer babysitter/maid/cook for a family just a few miles away from my house. They really liked me, so I got the job right away.
The pay is really nice, and so are the working conditions.

The little girl Christina is a ball of fun. She reminds me a lot of myself, actually. Her interests are very similar to mine when I was her age, and even some things that I like now she can relate to. I enjoy her energy and her spunky friends too.

Never a dull moment at their house.

Anyway, as you already have figured out I am only going to be able to call myself 'Silent Sophomore' until September 2nd.
Then I will be...either 'Jaded Junior' or 'Jaunty Junior', depending on how the rest of my summer goes.

Have I told you about my school plans for next year? Well, I left my private Christian school (I couldn't run out those doors fast enough) and am going to be homeschooled next year with my friend Alex.
Normally I'd call her my best friend, but I'm not so sure about that anymore.
I just get this negative aura or feeling when I'm around her.
Like she's pushing me away or something.
I don't really like that. So I'll only refer to her as my friend.
Plus, she almost ignores me completely when she and I are around at least one other person, regardless of who they are. Yet, right now, the most she gets to see me is once a week for two or three hours. I don't understand that.
On occasion she'll talk to me, but that's typically just to ask me a question so she can help/talk more with the other person.

Honestly, Alex is starting to piss me off.
I dont' blame her mom at all for being angry with her, either.
Alex is one of the most, if not the most, irresponsible people that I have ever met. Her room is a complete pigsty, she does her laundry only once all her other clothes are stained, and complains that she can't find her other shoe when she clearly didn't care enough about them to put them in a safe spot in the first place.
Then she complains to me about not being able to wear or find her shoes, and nags about how she needs MORE clothes because the ones she currently has aren't "cute" enough.

Um, Alex, your clothes are fine.
If you could find them and wash them before they begin to mold, that is.

Basically, I'm at a loss for words at how I think my relationship with her is going.

The only word that comes to my mind is downhill.

Rapidly.

Thought provoking. I recommend you watch this.

Just a note, don't bother sending me feedback about my "radical Christian views".


I am NOT a Christian.

I consider myself an open minded non-religious person, with dabbling interests in Neo-Paganism and Wicca.

ABC's of Growing Up and Life

This post will take several days to complete because I need time to think about what to write for each letter. I want it to be pretty good, and good things take time!

Rome was most certainly not built in one day.
And patience is a virtue.
- - - - - -
- - - - - -
Apathy. Apathy is that deep feeling you get when your mind and soul have had enough. Sometimes you get this feeling at exactly the wrong time. The best cure for apathy is to watch the sunrise or the sunset, because it stirs wonder, passion, and the imagination.
Betrayal. Betrayal is unavoidable. No matter who you are, you have been betrayed at least once in your life. Perhaps you've even betrayed yourself. To put it simply, not a single soul will ever be completely faithful and kind to you, so you've got to figure out who's worth the pain.
Criticism. Most people are too thin-skinned to accept criticism. When taken and spoken correctly, criticism can take a decent idea or invention and polish it up, creating something that changes the way the world thinks or operates.
Death. Death is very real, very natural, and it can be very painful at times. Not a day goes by without people dying. We all just have to find our way of coping with it and continue to live until it's our time.
Empathy. Not enough people in this world are empathetic. You don't have to be a Mother Teresa to have empathy, all you have to do is try to imagine yourself in the place of a hurting person and offering them all the comfort that you can. Even if it's simply a little kid with a scrape on their knee.
Faithfulness. If you can find someone who is faithful or loyal to you, treasure that person, because they are a diamond among the rocks.
Gratefulness. Being a grateful person will make your life seem to be more fulfilled and have more purpose in it. Besides, in this world filled with greedy Scrooges, we are in desperate need of more thankful people to be around us.
Hollywood. We've all seen it, we've all heard stories about it, and we've all fantasized about being there. At the end of the day, though, you realize that all you really need is right in front of you, just waiting to be discovered and appreciated.
Integrity. Integrity is something that is highly overlooked and definitely under appreciated. When you find someone who has integrity, make that person close to you, because they are priceless.
Kindness. Kindness and being nice are two separate entities that are too commonly thought to be the same thing. To be nice is very easy, you simply tolerate someone or something, but to be kind is much harder. You must genuinly feel sympathetic or caring towards said person or thing, and for some people, being so is nearly impossible.
Lies. Everyone is going to lie to you, whether it be a big fib or just a little white lie. It's simply how life and people are, and you must learn how to properly handle it.
Marriage. When the time is right, marriage can be the most beautiful and powerful thing that exists. If you are lucky enough to find someone worthy of marrying, you must be equally as willing to work hard to maintain your love and trust of one another, lest you fall out of love.
N
O
People. People come in all shapes and sizes. They also come in various personality types and physical characteristics. No matter who they are or what they look like, they are all equal to one another, and therefore deserve to be treated with equal respect and love.
Q
Religion. One of the most controversial things that exists on this Earth, religion varies from person to person, and to some religion doesn't even exist. The best way to handle this is to listen to what the other person says and respect what they believe and think is right. If more people were like this, there would be no such things as martyrs.
Silence. Everyday the simple sound of silence is underestimated. It's almost impossible to be in utter quiet for more then a minute, but if you find a place where you can sit in silence for a longer period of time, you will notice a change in yourself and your soul.
Trust. Trust is something that is hard to earn, but even harder to keep. You can have someones trust pretty easily, but once you have broken it once, you almost never get it fully back.
U
V
Wishes. Everyone has wishes, hopes, and dreams. Having things you desire is not a bad thing. In fact, if you don't have anything that you long for or to be, you have nothing to live for. So wishes keep you alive.
X
Youth. In general, to have youth is to be naive and carefree. Most people look down on those younger then them because they have less experience and are not as mature as they are. Those few people who can humble their egos and place themselves in the shoes of the young, though, will realize that while there may not be much wisdom in youth, there is an abundance of innocence, and those who are young must be brought up into wisdom, so that they can shape the world of tomorrow.
Z

Depression has many definitions.

Here are some things a person with depression might say, believe, feel, or think.
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Nothing you can say to me can make me feel better...


I just want to be alone.


Even when with I'm with that special someone, I still feel e m p t y inside.


Nobody will ever understand what it feels like to be me.


Can't everyone just disappear?


How come nobody gives a damn about me?


Life is shit.


I don't know what's keeping me alive...all I want to do is sink into this cold earth beneath me and never wake up.


If God exists, why does he hate me? What the fuck did I ever do to him?


People don't have the ability or desire to love somebody like me.


I have no purpose.


It feels like I'm dead inside, just an empty shell wandering this forgotten and damned earth....


Love isn't a real feeling, its a myth we tell others so they have something to cling to.


I wonder if anybody would really miss me if I simply disappeared.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Just some food for thought.

Fake It by Seether

I have decided to dedicate this song to my ex.

It describes him perfectly. Especially the parts in bold.

Tee hee.

I almost hope that he finds out that I've dedicated it to him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self esteem along the way

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
Good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down...

And just fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fucking hypocrite

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
Good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so raped
So follow me down...

And just fake it, if you're out if direction
Fake it, if you don't belong here
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fucking hypocrite
Whoa, whoa

I can fake it with the best of anyone
I can fake it with the best of 'em all
I can fake it with the best of anyone
I can fake it all

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self esteem along the way

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
Good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so raped man
Follow me down...

And just fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fucking hypocrite

Fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fucking hypocrite

In the wise words of Walter...

"What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!"

Walter, you are absolutely right.
Only I'm not talking about marriage woes, I'm talking about dating and boys in general.

You see, I've come to the conclusion that the only way you can guarantee that you will never be hurt by anyone is to simply live in seclusion, not have a relationship with anybody, boy or girl.

But at the same time, your heart begins down one of two roads: either you will become extremely lonely and crave to be around other humans, or your heart will harder and become numb, never wanting anything to do with homo sapians again.

At this point in my life, I would prefer to risk that though.

What's the worst thing that could possibly happen?

(P.S.-If you haven't realized it already, my boyfriend is now my EX boyfriend. For several reasons. Number one being that he's a fucking hypocrite.)

2008 has been a roller coaster year so far

Where to even begin..

This has been the most notable year to date. I mean, it's barely three months into 2008 and already there's been a shitload of snow, social dramas at my fucking high school...friend's parents getting divorces, notable deaths and losses...attempted suicides....undiagnosed diseases, and hidden agendas.


And there have been the ups too, such as first kisses, new cell phones, picture perfect boyfriends..job raises, and soaring GPA's.

If this is what the first three months of the new year bring, I'm almost petrified to continue on and see what the rest of this year has to hold...

Little razorblades tear through my soul as I watch you weep

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired that you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ingite your bones

And I will try to fix you


High up above or down below
When your too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
- - -
Coldplay wrote this song(Fix You). I simply enjoyed it enough to post on my blog.

Barack Obama for 2008!

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God is like an atom. Love is like the universe.

No one can see Him, no one can fully control Him. He is a part of everything and everyone. Without Him, all that is around is would not exist. He is indestructable, indivisible, and the fundamental component of the entire universe. He is a part of everything, and everything is a part of him.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
-Psalms 139:14
----------------------------------------------

The depth and width of love is like the universe. No one truely knows how vast, alive, or powerful it really is. Occasionally, someone will stumble and fall into a black hole, while others will find themselves a beautiful star and hang onto it forever.

Spawn of Satan better understand what he's up against now

Dearest Marc,

Hello, how was your day today? I hope it was good. As a matter of fact, I hope it was really good. I hope today was one of the best days of the whole year for you. Then tonight, while you reflect on the grand day you've been having, your girlfriend can sit at home all alone, slitting her wrists for the hundredth time and wishing that it would all just be over. Yes, when your messaging Josh or Linden or doing your Geometry homework Alex can be staring at the phone, head cocked to the side, mascara and tears running down her cheek, wondering if she's not good enough for little Marc-y boy to ever call her.
Doesn't that sound great?

This letter is fair warning to you that a relationship takes two to make and one to break.
Right now things are looking pretty shitty on your side.

Sure, you can make up all the fucking excuses you want to about your failing Geometry grades and all your dirty laundry, but even so does that mean your too busy to ever call Alex, even just to ask, "Hey, how was your day today?"

I hope you realize your ignorance is hurting more then one person, here.
Your lack of caring is creating a domino effect, whether or not you like it.
One of these days, if you don't act up to your part, Alex will finally snap and end it with you.
Oh, but she would end more then just her "romantic" relationship with you, Marc.
She wouldn't speak to your whiny-ass face ever again.

Don't be fooled by the fake smiles and the I-understand-you-need-time-for-Geometry-so-don't-bother-calling-me-ever things that she says.
Marc, Alex has more faith in you then you realize. She cares about you.

Now the ball's in your court, buddy.

I hope you don't fuck this up even more.

Warm regards,
-An observant bystander


P.S. Congratulations on receiving your first official Relationship Warning letter! I wish you luck in recovering from this situation and pray that it never happens again.

P.S.S. This letter was written completely by xxxxxx. It was a work of my independent hand and valuable time.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day

All alone. By my own hand.


Oh well. I plan on going upstairs soon and watching Brokeback Mountain, anyways.


Marc turns out to be an even bigger dickweed then first thought to be. He ditched his plans with Alex today because he would rather be alone and listen to his music. Oh my God-if I were Alex I would totally dump him.

Then again, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place.

And Zack...is a TALL guy who's coming to my house this Saturday to hang out. I'll be meeting him for the first time...and I know those things about him because of his profile pictures.

Can't wait!

Honesty, is it the best policy?

Today I decided to have what I like to call an "honesty day". What that means is that all day anyone could ask me anything that they wanted to and I was going to answer it completely and honestly. And, I told a lot of people everything that I felt towards them.

Remember Josh? Well, I told him that I kind of like him. That was a milestone for me!
How so? Whenever the topic of guys comes up, I always run and hide or lie, but today was different. Today I told him that I was fairly certain that I liked him, and he thought that was cool. Then about five minutes later, he said that although I was "very pretty and funny", he "likes Linden currently".
That's alright. I think I can deal with that. It's only been a two or three week long potential crush, and, quite frankly, even if he did like me back the bigger accomplishment was me actually telling a guy the truth about my feelings.

Remember Marc? Of course you do, dumb question. Well, I told him today that.....nope, I didn't tell him about my feelings towards him, I played messenger and told him what Alex felt towards him. (I didn't tell everyone I knew what I felt about them. That would take forever.)

And of course, he returned the emotions.

Oh, how sweet.

Anyway, I highly recommend that you have an Honesty Day once and a while.
By that I mean once every five years or so.

If tomorrow is indeed a Snow Day, then I shall catch up on my sleep and reestablish my state of mind. After a day of complete honesly, I would greatly appreciate a day to recover from it and hide my face for twenty four hours.

You would, too, if you had an Honesty Day.

If tomorrow is school though, I will be very sad.
Not to mention tired.

The chances of a snow day are higher though, so I'm hoping that it happens.

Oh, and tomorrow I will be sure to tell you all about Zack. :]

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Yeah, obvioulsy Marc is still on my nerves.
Yesterday he said that almost everything that goes wrong or gets screwed up is my fault. I partially think he was joking, yet at the same time I think it was another personal jab at me.

Would somebody please tell me what the fuck I ever did to this guy? Why is he being such a dickweed about everything I do?

Someone thinks that's his way of showing that he likes me.

Ha ha. He's dating my best friend. What, he's using her or something?

Kiss my ass, he is.

Then today he said that my AIM screenname was "one that a gay guy would have".

Those don't sound like really big deals, do they?
Well, if you knew all of the other shit he's been throwing onto me, you'd see why these little things aren't so little.


On a much lighter and happier note, Barack Obama won a Grammy today for Best Spoken Word Album category for his recording 'The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts On Reclaiming The American Dream' at the 50th Annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles.

Congratulations, Obama!

And then there was one...

...but it's my own fault anyway. I went and fucked up a good thing.

A boy does like me--no, wait..did like me....and I pretty much screwed up whatever was there of him liking me in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way.

He was one of the cutest, nicest...TALLEST boys that I knew! His name was Jonathan and--now he's history.

And it's all my fault.

I could have had a best friend. Or boyfriend. Or more.

Then I opened up my fucking mouth and BLEW IT.

He flat out asked me if I liked him, but instead of replying with a simple and honest "Yes", I got nervous and lied and told him that, "I'm just your friend...I don't like you like that"

So now he no longer flirts with me and just gives me sad looking eyes. Everytime I look into those sad yet somewhat sexy blue eyes of his I feel terrible about lying, but I can't tell him the truth because then I'll look like a cowardly prick!

It's a lose-lose situation.

Today is exactly eight days before Valentine's Day. All of my friends have a nice boyfriend they'll be spending the day with. Said boyfriends will be buying them chocolates, roses, movie tickets, clothes...cuddling them, and just loving on them all day.

Since there is no hope for me anymore, I plan on spending my Valentine's Day cooped up in my room, all alone, eating Frango Mints or Ferro Roches and watching Brokeback Mountain.

Alex, girlfriend of that bastard Marc, invited me to come spend Heart's Day with her and Marc. While they watch movies, cuddle, kiss, eat dinner.....oh dear God NO.
I don't plan on going there. Not on my life. Not with the spawn of Satan present.

Unless God has a hidden guy waiting to give me roses in these next eight days, my Valentine's Day will be quite lonely. Lately God has been pretty much ignoring me, though.

Damn it, God.

Marc the jackass- -Take 2- -

Alright, so for a few days I actually thought that he was beginning to tone down on the asshole-ness.

But, after today, I guess not.

He still doesn't like to talk to me for more than five minutes at a time, whereas his best (need I mention c-u-t-e-!) friend won't STOP talking to me. Here I'm trying to just ask dear Marc how his day was, and he just shrugs me off and says something udderly rude to me, and Josh (his c-u-t-e-! best friend) won't stop asking me how my day was and so on and so forth.

I'm totally fine if Josh ends up having a thing for me. Heart's day is only ten days away...who knows what can happen between here and there!

Oh, Alex and Marc have plans for the fourteenth. He's going over to her house (they're going to be there alone) and they're going to eat some snacks and watch some movie and snuggle while sipping hot cocoa near her fireplace. Aww.....SOMEONE GET ME A FUCKING BARF BUCKET!

I just don't get it. How can such a sweet, nice, TALL guy like Josh be best friends with a jerk like Marc? Marc's his complete opposite! He's NOT sweet, NOT nice, and NOT tall!
If Marc wasn't cute, he would have nothing going for him.
Lucky bastard.

Life and death in the draw of a bow

I found this picture while doing a random search.

And just thought it was amazing.

Here's the text that was found with the words:

The saw was like a violin

Except that, instead of music,

Each draw of the bow

Brought relief

By the way, Jesus loves you

I found this on russelsteapot.com and just knew that I had to post it into my blog.

Goes to show how much Jesus loves us.

Just click on the image to view it full scale.

I know that romance brings out the beast in you, Marc-the jackass

Alright, so I' have to say a public apology to my best friend, Alex. It's not her fault that she has been getting to caught up in Marc. Sure, he's cute enough.

I forgive you for completely ignoring and leaving me yesterday, Alex!

And now I realize that she isn't the enemy here, Marc is. He's been treating me like a piece of shit. Well, maybe in his eyes it doesn't look like that, but you should hear the things that says to me! I do not even want to write them down here. My time is too valuable to write down all of the thoughts that belong to that spineless imp.

On top of the "jokes" and personal jabs that he makes to me, he makes it obvious that he doesn't ever want to talk to me on the phone! For example, I called him today and we talked (if you can call his speaking that) for about twelve minutes. Then he abruptly stated that he HAD to go. To watch a movie and practice his guitar.

Lies.

Everyone else that I know who calls him says that they can't get him to shut up when they're talking to him! Jesus Christ, what the hell did I do to be treated like this?!

He actually was pretty nice to me before I introduced him to Alex. Then for some reason he decided to chance the way he treated me/acted around me.

I guess that romance brought out the beast in him.
At least, I hope so. Then he has a chance of becoming a decent homo sapien again.

Still hoping to create a voodoo doll, here. If anyone knows a good book or something, be sure to let me know.

In this case, I need all the help I can get.

What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Marc is the damned sun.

Does anyone else know what it feels like to be shunned by your own best friend because she'd rather talk to her cute new boyfriend over you, regardless of the fact that she's been blabbing to him for the past three hours?
And they just became a couple, oh what..on Sunday? So, on day one of your friends new found relationship, she'll give you and him equal shares of her time, but once day two comes up....screw the best friend! You had your chance to have your last meaningful conversation together for the next few months, and now you're going to be tossed into a corner like a stinky old pair of boxers.

Then, once things start to get rocky in the love boat, she'll come crawling back to you in a mess, begging her "best buddy for EVER!" to help her figure out why things are beginning to crumble and pleading that you'll drop whatever unimportant shit you were doing to comfort her in her time of need. Forget yourself! Come help ME out because I'M your BEST FRIEND and just LOVE spending time with you!

What will you do?

I plan on sitting back in my reject corner and watching, waiting, for all of the above paragraph to happen. I know it will, it's just a matter or when.
Then, when it finally does begin to fall apart and she comes crying to me, I'll just be sitting in my own happy little world and tell her that since she completely and udderly tossed our friendship aside for some good looking guy, she should go back and talk to him about her problems.

I'm done being used and discarded. I think it's time that I do something about all of this so that she'll realize that if she wants our friendship to stay this strong that she needs to spend some time with me.

Some form of blackmail should do nicely. Or a voodoo doll.

Anyone know how to make one of those?

On A More Personal Note....Happy Intimate New Year

Sure, it's a New Year. New beginnings, new friends, new relationships, new shoes...the list is full of all sorts of "new's".

But, one can't help but wonder...what's your best friend's potential boyfriend really like? I mean, sure he's one of the cutest guys you've seen in a long time and he's got a pretty good sense of style, but once you get passed all of that outer packaging....what's he made of?

My first impression of him was a laid-back, easygoing, outgoing, happy go lucky kind of guy who just wanted to have a good time and hang out.

A person's intuition, however, goes much deeper then outward appearances and first impressions.

The better I've been getting to know Marc (spelled with a fucking C) the more I've been beginning to wonder--what's he hiding? And why?

Everytime I see him that feeling of discomfort and a hidden past or motive gets stronger, and I can't seem to figure out why.
Was he molested as a child?
Is he secretly gay and extremely sensitive about it?
Does he get verbally taunted at school sometimes? [Just a side note-he's not exactly a tall guy. He's 16 and only about five foot five. Only Jesus himself knows whether or not he'll grow]

I'll keep my eyes open, especially since my BFF is too busy using her eyes to oogle Marc.